Husha bye Baby
by Al Bhed- Pypa
Summary: Kaoru reflects on an old nursery ryme and sees his relationship with Hikaru for what it really is, and how everything he has hidden is now being pulled into reality...and how for once he is thinking of what he wants, not anyone else


**AN/ alright, this came from reading chapter 52 of the manga… seeing Kaoru say that he dosent care for his own feelings made me think, on some deep level he probably does… and as far as he says he is immature, he has a far deeper emotional awarness then anyone else around him… anways…this is my take on Kaorus deep inner thoughts that he hides from the world and himself….**

**oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

_**Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,**_

_**When the wind blows the cradle will rock;**_

_**When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,**_

_**And down will come baby, cradle and all.**_

"_We are far __too old to listen to your silly rhymes. They bore us, we can sleep now without your bothersome voice yapping… right Kaoru?"_

"_Right, __we don't need your childish verses anymore"_

But are we really? I said it to go along with you, so you wouldn't think of me as different. I know I didn't need to, that you would never mind, but I am scared. Scared to be seen as one. As an individual, a single entity unto itself. As two, we are whole. Anything that marked me as different I hid. The world is such a large place to face alone, and I can't stand it. I am like a selfish child wanting to keep its security blanket always in hand. So I hid behind the laughter, the games, behind the charade of endless amusement from belittling the others beneath us. But, inside I was different. We may look the same, but look behind the identical masks, and see that two separate beings reside. I sometimes thought it to be as if our personalities were what spilt. Two halves of one person, each with a half of the personality. You never see it though, I don't let you. You may appear to be the dominant one, but it is me that keeps us as one.

Growing up we hardly saw our mother. She was always so busy with work. We sell this for reaction at times, but you always seem to overlook that it is true. At night, after a day with a nanny and after the maids had given us dinner, a bath, and dressed us for bed she would come to see us. She would sit on the end of the bed and tell us nursery rhymes to help us sleep. She always looked so elegant and pretty. Dressed in evening gowns, or outfits of her own design. She would smile at us, and call us her little treasures, but I knew that even she couldn't tell which one of us was Hikaru, and which was Kaoru. But I didn't blame her, she did try. And it was those moments with her that I looked forward to each day… until the day you called it off. To old for a nursery rhyme… the funny thing about nursery rhymes is that they have a funny way of never really leaving you…

_**When the wind blows the cradle will rock**_

The day we met Haruhi… I could tell that she was someone that you would like. Our "toy" you called her, something to use for your own amusement. But that wasn't it at all, you just didn't understand. Years we spent alone, your feelings never had to experience that feeling of wanting a friend… of wanting to be with someone other then me. Your longing to befriend this new person was so new to you that you mistook it for the wanting of an object, a toy, a plaything. I saw it for what it really was… you wanted to branch out but you didn't know how. Was this my fault? Have I been holding you back from the world? Keeping you in my own deluded fantasy that forever it would be only us? Is that so wrong of me to want that? I have never asked for more in my life then you, and even that is on the verge of being ripped from me. Selfish little child is what I am, and I can acknowledge it. If you only knew the real me…would you run in terror?

_**When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall**_

We are truly two separate beings; your veil of our reality is thick, woven tightly to hide from you my true self. Look deep into my eyes and you can see it. Past the calm exterior and peaceful smile, I can't be the one to show you. I set it up for you, but I wanted you to gain a better understanding of yourself, not loose yourself in an impulsive love for some girl you hardly know. This is just your curiosity for the different interfering. This is not love you see; I swear to you, this is not love…..

Im still such a child, afraid to let go of the past, I am not the mature one, I am the helpless one. For years I have made us be as one. One person, one set of joys, of fears, of games… of love. But now, you are beginning to see that we are not one. We are two. This urge to be different is beginning to boil inside you. Where did I go wrong? Have I not spent my whole life hiding the differences that you now long for? This isn't fair Hikaru; you can't do that to us…to me. But "me" isn't what matter I tell people, but for once I want "me" to matter, I want what's best for me. And what's best for me, is you.

I can't break this bond between us, I spent too long to forge it. Since childhood making sure not just everyone else thought we were the same, but you too. Can you see it now, see my struggle. I am falling Hikaru, I am falling and your eyes are too clouded with the new found joy of infatuation to turn around and catch me. If this bond must be severed so, make it a clean cut. Cut me free from this, stop this painful tearing that is happening now. If this is fate, then the gods are cruel and unusual. But this is how it will be from now on. The game will continue and I will hide. I will look up at you with false tears on my cheeks and you will hold me, and declare it's only me you see. And I can close my eyes and listen, and I can try not to cry out in pain, as I know that to you…this is all just a game.

_**And down will come baby, cradle and all.**_

I can fool myself sometimes, if its late enough at night, with a simple mirror I can still pretend you are lying beside me, that we are one and the same. And that my smile is you smile as I whisper nursery rhymes into the night as I try to fall asleep.

_**And down will come baby, cradle and all.**_

**Xoxoxoxoxoxoxx**

**AN/ There we have it… Kaoru's other side….read the manga, support literacy.**


End file.
